Tag Archives: life

Slow and Steady in 2014

WordPress have been sending me emails reminding (pushing?) me to renew my subscription, and I’ve been tossing up whether or not to keep blogging, but have decided, yup, another year of regular written self-reflection is a good idea. I do this for me, and sometimes other people chime in and that’s fine.

New Year was spent down the coast with lovely people, good food, swimming, chilling out, doing crosswords. It was really relaxing and there was none of the pressure I’ve felt previously to ‘do something big’ for New Year’s eve.  I appreciated the beauty of where I was and the blessings of the wonderful people around me.

I made two resolutions about food/ eating, trying to keep them small and manageable, not be overwhelmed by eating disorder or negative voice thoughts like ‘lose half my body weight’.  They are

1) Aim to eat breakfast every day and

2) Store and eat food in the kitchen, not in my room.

The second one is definitely harder. I’ve got a tendency to hoard food and binge on it in private. It’s something I’ve done since I was ten years old, scared, finding comfort in food and solitude. It’s a dodgy justification/ denial mechanism,  ‘if nobody else can see it’s not happening’. I also have a whole lot of shame tied up in eating or feeding myself, I don’t feel I deserve to eat things…so this is trying to chip away at that, even a little bit of progress is better than none.

The breakfast eating…I can do it, and I’ve done it before, but I really have to push myself. Much easier to roll over in bed and sleep the extra 15 minutes, or say ‘I’m not hungry’ or whatever. There is something psychologically helpful in eating at least one  ‘set’ meal in a day though, and getting it over and done with. At the moment I’m doing instant oats and yoghurt, and struggling, but just gotta Keep. On. Going.

From Monday onwards I’ll be back into the job application routine, and hopefully getting responses/ interviews. I’ve been taking driving lessons more intensively over the holidays and feeling slightly less terrified. I suspect it- driving, job hunting- will take longer than I’d like though, and I just have to accept that. I don’t normally ‘do’ horoscopes but yesterday’s one in the Age felt fitting:

What this year has to teach you is deep. And wonderful. And can’t be rushed. You’ll meet your demons face to face and learn to handle them with grace. Your key operating strategy is pace, not race. As in slowing down and finding the right timing. Recommended reading is Aesop’s fable to the tortoise and the hare.

Going slowly is not my favourite thing, nor am I great at waiting or accepting things gracefully. But I can handle a challenge or ten, and if that’s what this year has in store, then bring it on. Slowly.

Slow and steady...

Slow and steady…

 

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March

I’ve been a bit slack with blogging because I’ve actually been out in the world doing things! YAY! So what follows are some vignettes about things I did in March.

Made A Ridiculous Banoffee Pie

pie

Banoffee Pie has biscuit base, a dulce de leche (sweetened condensed milk turned into caramel) filling, banana pieces on top, and then (in this case) Nutella and peanut butter swirls on top of that. AND THEN, whipped cream for serving. I told you it was ridiculous. Why make such a thing? Well, it is delicious. Also, my housemate loves it, and she had gone away to Mardi Gras for the weekend, so I made it for a ‘Welcome home, feed your exhaustion and your hangover’ present.  Extra fun fact: sweetened condensed milk is like crack. Legal, cheap crack. I am very sad (but also very glad) that I had not been exposed to it earlier in life.

Went to WOMADelaide

womadelaide_645_normal

WOMAD is a music festival held in various cities across the world- in Australia it is held in Adelaide across the Labour Day weekend. Adelaide is a pretty boring city but WOMAD is never ever boring! It is a weekend full of world music acts (and few well-known Australian bands), held in a beautiful park, and basically you just dance the whole time while marvelling at how much better your life is now that you have discovered this amazing new music.

This one was special for me because Mia Dyson was playing. She is an Australian folksy-bluesy-rock singer and I first saw her at WOMAD 2004 (i think?) when I was a little baby lesbian who had just come out (and shaved my head, obvs). And she performed a sit-down set on a small side stage and sang beautiful songs about being young and confused and in love and I was all, arghhh this is my life, I love you. Anyway, now she’s super-famous and I’m a bit more grown up (with better hair) and I got to see her again. Yay, life cycles! Below is a song of hers called ‘Jesse’, about forced adoptions (which were very common in Australia for single mothers up until the 70s), which is timely because there was a National Apology to all these separated mothers and children recently. It makes me cry every time I hear it.

 

 

Confronted my ‘Teeth Issues’

So, my teeth are pretty fucked because of my history of bulimia. I’ve written about this before, here. Bits of tooth crack off, fall out and crumble in my hand with alarming regularity. So, partly out of alarm and partly because of my recent promise to put on my Adult shoes, I arranged to go to the dentist and get things checked out. And lo, the dentist said yes, your teeth are unhappy. In fact, one tooth is so far gone we’re going to pull it out. Wahhhhh, said I. Let this be a lesson to you, dear readers- the after care period of having a tooth pulled is not a pleasant time. Get thee to your dental practitioner!

Turned 24

A couple of days post-dentist, I turned 24. Yay me for surviving another year, and a particularly hard one (mental health wise) at that!

survival

True dat.

The day itself was a bit shit because of ALL THE TOOTH PAIN (see above). Turns out the extraction site got infected, so I had to go the dentist *on my birthday* (dramatic sigh) to get that sorted out. BUT, I got lots of loving from friends and local anaesthetic is a fine, fine thing.

Had a Birthday Party (yay!)

I have a friend M. with the same birthday as me so we had a joint ‘Nostelgia Party Extravaganza’ involving fairy bread, (Easter) egg and spoon races, honey joys and ‘Pin the Tail on Tony Abbott’. My friend J. even made us a pinata, thanks J! You could tell we were adults having a pretend kids party when the pinata finally broke and none of us scrambled to get the lollies.

I tried to make a novelty cake from the Australian Women’s Weekly Children’s Cake Book, but it was an epic fail so we ate another cake instead. Better brush up on my skills before I have any kids!

Remember this?!

Remember this?!

Screwed Up my Knee (boo!)

The party was going splendidly until I screwed my knee up. I don’t even know how I did it. I was sitting down and then I tried to get up and my leg was like, no way, Jose. My knee swelled up spectacularly. Luckily I have my stash of painkillers from all the tooth business. Almost a week later, I still can’t walk properly, so I don’t know WTF is going on. X-ray says nothing is broken or torn. I say booooo, why am I in so much pain? Well-timed birthday present of Morris the Moose says, ‘Cuddle me and all your worries will disappear!’.

Morris the Cuddly Moose from Canada

Morris the Cuddly Moose from Canada

And there you have it, a summary of the significant events of March. I still battled with the Negative Voice. I still didn’t make it out of bed some days. Food is still an issue. But the point is I kept on going and good times were had in spite of all the crap that swirls below the surface. Life goes on.

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