Saved by the evening sky. My favourite shade of blue, dusk sweeping west and blending with orange to wrap the city into night.
Nausea won me over this morning. It’s something I have everyday,a side effect of medications, but normally not too bad. I take my epilepsy medications early to try and give it time to settle down before starting the day, but today I was still unable to function at 9am, wave after wave of ‘oh-god-I’m-going-to-vomit-whoops-no-I’m-not’ passing through my tummy. The occasional sharp stabbing pain that I associate with (now long past) laxative abuse. Trying to get vertical but too dizzy to stand. Resigned to bed and a short email to placement, sorry it’s not going to happen today, sorry, sorry again. Guilt, shame, fuck you body I need to be able to DO things, how I hate letting people down, not being able to follow through on my commitments. Close eyes, give in, fade out.
Being able to get out of bed the second I wake up is a very important part of my Don’t Kill Yourself Today plan. If I don’t, the Negative Thoughts take over and everything goes to shit so quickly that I hardly even notice until my real self is buried underneath layers of blankets and doom. So today was kind of a write-off, in that most of it was nauseated hell and the afternoon was just a cycle of thoughts about it being a waste of a day and ergo, me being a waste of space. Delightful inner monologues are (not so) delightful.
I had to get out of the house and out of my head. This is the real hard work for me- not the contemplating, not the therapy, but the action. Standing up to my head, rustling by the fragmented bits of ‘real me’ and giving depressive thoughts a big FUCK YOU by choosing to engage with the broader world. I got lucky this evening because it was so beautiful, the clear sky and the moon and air cold enough to see my breath as it exhaled, reminding me I was very much alive. I am alive and here in the world and that’s a good thing. Tomorrow I will get up again, go about my day, look to the sky, notice the colours around me, engage with people, keep doing the hard work…and then probably come here and write about it!